Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
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no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.