I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
You Might Also Like
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
“That’s what” – She
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.