The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
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*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
good work, everybody
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”