Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
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Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…