ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
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Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
This is my brand.