Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
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Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
greetings!
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
The 5 signs of laziness
1.