If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
You Might Also Like
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager