I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
You Might Also Like
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??