[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
You Might Also Like
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
i meant to share this earlier
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.