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There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
So true for me
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef