Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
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Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Brb my Sims are getting married
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.