If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
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At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Boom, boom, ching!
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.