People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
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Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Sniffing the broccoli