INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
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If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment