if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
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I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
FINE, I WON’T.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Venn
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?