Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
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“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
this is 10/10 content no notes
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime