MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
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I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.