How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
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(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula