We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
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The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
If a snake ate a cake
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.