Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
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guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
You can’t outrun your problems…
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?