Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
You Might Also Like
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish