Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
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good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*