6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
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My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
dictator is short for richard potato
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.