Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
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Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.