Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
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“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
me after eating Cheetos
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?