“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
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Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
what could possibly go wrong?
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
The news in a nutshell.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.