Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
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If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Choose your fighter
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?