Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
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“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand