Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
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Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
😂💯
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.