Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
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Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
We found love in a hopeless place.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
My inexpensive home security system…
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.