I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
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Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.