I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
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“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf