Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
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When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?