*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
You Might Also Like
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.