BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
You Might Also Like
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT