Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
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Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Always 🥴
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair