NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
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6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I’d … I’d rather not.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.