I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
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When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
fr
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I never needed anything more in my life
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.