The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
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Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Story of my life…..
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.