If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
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You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.