My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
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I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Everything reminds me of my ex
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
May never get over this
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II