Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
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If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*