-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
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Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Hey I worked for it too!
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones