I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
You Might Also Like
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
12653.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
is this a warning or an offer?
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
All set.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.