ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
You Might Also Like
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
This took me a second..
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.