My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
You Might Also Like
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
also my go-to takeaway order
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*