People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
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(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Twitter remains undefeated
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
These are my roll models.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again