7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
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Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Does beer think about me too?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?