[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
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Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
S O O N
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
This why you should mind your business
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement