What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
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Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Super Hand Dog Face
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.